want you here

i really want you here, my dad, my mom, my sis.

i miss you all.

i feel very tired now, and can not sleep well every night.

i give myself too much stress.

i am afraid, very afraid.

i want your love.

i need you.

i want to see you.

i love you all.

i will try my best to do what i want.

i will never give up.

how fool i am

今日老媽打電話比我。

today my mom called me.

閒聊一下，關心一下。

we talked about what happened in these days.

然後，據同我講，話以後發夢的野，唔好同夢裡0既人講。

and then,she told me when i dreamed about something like the last time, i should not tell the people who i dreamed but other people.

尤其系一D唔好0既野。

especially something is not good.

 

點算，我講左。

oh, my god. i done it.

據話百無禁忌，下次唔好講，就講D好0既就得了。

she said, ok, don't do it again. just say something good.

唉，果然唔經大腦。

fuck, i am the fool.

之前我都考慮緊，究竟講唔講好呢？

but before i called my dad, i have considered whether say or not.fuck.

下次呢D咁0既嘢都系唔好講了，費事引起唔好0既野。

i won't let it happen again, i don't want they be worry about what i dream. just want them be happy.

百無禁忌，百無禁忌。

god bless, god bless.

琴日同朋友去咗圖書館，點知去Q咗圖書館。

yesterday i went to the library with a friend, but i went the wrong one.

而且仲囧死了，真係唔系好意思講出來，哈哈。

so fool.

本來好鬼興奮咁去到圖書館，然後，企響感應門前面。

first i was very happy to arrival the library, and then stand front the sensor-door.

等～～～無反應～～～

and wait, wait, but nothing had happened.

響我發信息比朋友，叫據來打救0既時候，一個高大的大叔用疑惑的眼神望咗我一下。

when i ready sent a sms to my friend to ask her to help me, a tall man walked towards me with strange eyes.

可能據響度唸，我究竟想做乜。

maybe he thought what i want to do.

當據行近感應門0既時候，門，卡嚓，自動開咗。

when he walked close the sensor-door, the door open in automatic.

我心裡一陣0既尷尬，但又好感激據，因為據，我可以入去了。

i felt awkward but very thankful him. because of him, i can come in.

嗚～～～點解我媽就生得我唔高，生我高D，咁就唔會遇到D咁囧0既事了。

ops~~ why i am not tall like him, if i was him, i would not meet this fool thing.

 

然之後，大叔好有禮貌咁比我入先，我都好有禮貌咁唔該咗據。囧啊～～～

and then, the tall man was very nice, he said, lady first. and i also nice to thank him.

入到去，發現朋友唔響呢個圖書館，原來響另外一個大好多的圖書館。

and then i found my friend was not in this library, she was in another library.

點解，點解我會咁蠢，竟然去錯地方，仲一直以為就係果個圖書館。

oh, why i am so fool. i went the wrong way.

最後，因為我太蠢啦，朋友最後走出圖書館穩我。

at last, my friend went out and found me.

好在，個圖書館就響不遠處。終於順利到達咗目的地。

thankfully, the right library is near the wrong one. and i finally arrived the right one.

圖書館實在太大，感覺太享受啦，我簡直第一眼就愛上咗呢個圖書館。

this library is so big,and i love it in the first sight.

yeah，我要日日來，得閒無事我就來。

yeah, i like to come here everyday, i like it very much.

噩夢nightmare

昨晚發了一個噩夢。
yesterday i had a nightmare.
gestern hatte ich ein Albtraum.

不知是不是太想念爸爸，我竟然夢見他。
i dreamed my father, maybe i just miss him too much.
ich habe meinen Vater geträumt. Vieleicht vermisse ich ihn zu viel.

我夢見他發生車禍了。
i dreamed that he had car accident.
ich habe geträumt, dass er einen Autounfall gehabt hat.

故事的開頭已經不記得是怎樣了。
i did not remember how the story began.
ich habe vergessen, wie das Traum begann.

只是依稀記得一群人，不知在商量著什麼。
just remembered that there were some people who were talked about somethings.
ich habe nur erinnert, dass einie Leute da über etwas untergehalten haben.

然後爸爸一個人開着車，才剛駛到不遠處。
and then my father have drove the car himself.
und dann ist mein Vater selbt mit dem Auto gefahren.

他一個轉彎，然後車就活活地在我面前翻了過去。
when he turned around with the car.the car had been rolled.
er hat gedreht. und dann war das Auto gerollt.

我很害怕，很擔心。
i felt worried.
ich fühlte mich besorgt.

一個勁兒地衝到他那裡，幸好的是他安然無恙。
so i ran towards him. luckily, he was good.
ich bin auf ihn zugelaufen.zum Gluck war er gut.

也不知哪裡出現了一個醫生，馬上幫爸爸檢查。
but i did not know where came a doctor. and he checked-ups for my father.
aber ich bin nicht gewuust, wo ist der Arzt gekommen. er hatte Check-ups für meinen Vater.

我從沒有發過這樣的夢，我真的害怕失去他。
i have never dreamed the dream like that. i am really afraid of lost him.
ich habe nichts getröumt als dies Traum. ich bin wirklich fürchten ihn verloren.

我想，我有點兒感受到失去至親的感覺。
i just thought that maybe i know a bit about my father´s feeling about losing his mother.
ich habe gedacht, dass ich vielleicht ein bisschen wissen über meinen Vater das  Gefühl seiner Mutter zu verlieren.

那時，真的寧願死的是自己，而不是他。

因為那種心情是誰都沒法理解的，只有自己才能真真切切的感受。

來到這個新的國度，我期望的是不要有任何的親人離開自己。

更沒想到我親愛的奶奶，還沒看到我結婚生子就離去。

我一直都覺得她還能多活十年的，沒想到我才來到這裡半年，她就突然不在了。

因此我非常緊張父母的健康，我希望他們倆身體健康。

然後就可以安安樂樂地享兒女福。

經過這件事，我真的真的希望他們一定要照顧自己的身體。

爸爸，你要少喝酒，少抽煙，多休息，不要太操勞。

媽媽，你要多買好的東西吃，不要過於節儉，多跟朋友去玩玩。

my grandma

今天是我最後一次跟奶奶通電話了，一個越洋電話。
today is the last time i talked with my grandma, a call from Switzerland.
heute war das lezte Mal, dass ich mit meiner Grossmutter unterhalte von Schweiz.

奶奶在19號的凌晨，安祥地離開了我們，永遠地離開了。
my grandma was passed away on 19th October, 2011.
Meine Grossmutter war gestoben am 19th Ocktober, 2011.

很突然，我不知該用什麼樣的詞來形容這個消息。
it was too sudden, i can't explain that with any words.
es war sehr ueberrascht, dass ich kein Wort zu sprechen.

奶奶已經93了，相比好多老人，她活的時間已經足夠了。
my grandma was already 93 years old. she was lucky that she has a long life in the world.
Meine Grossmutter war schon 93 Jahre alt. Sie war sehr gluecjlich, dass sie langes Leben hat.

也應該去找找離別了三四十年的爺爺。
and now she could meet grandfather after three or forty years.
und jeztz kann sie sich mit Grossvater treffen nach drei or vierzig Jahre.

其實我對爺爺沒有記憶，因為我這一輩子都無緣跟他見面。
actually, i have no any memory about my grandfather. beacaus he was passed away before i born.
tataechlich habe ich kein Memory ueber meinen Grossvater, weil er gestoben war bevor ich gebore.

在爸爸很小的時候，爺爺就不在了。
when my father was very young, my grandfather was already passed away.
Als mein Vatter jung war, war mein Grossvater schon gestoben.

奶奶一個養活了爸爸他們十三兄弟姐妹，看似很厲害吧。
my grandmother seems very super that she took care of her 13 children by herself.
meine Grossmutter war sehr Super, dass sie sich allein um ihrer 13 kinder kuemmert.

是的，我也這麼認為。
yes, i think so.
ja, ich denke, dass sie sehr Super war.

可是，我沒能回去見奶奶的最後一面。
but, i am so sad that i can't come back to take park in her funeral.
es tut mir sehr leid, dass ich ihre Beerdigung nicht teilnehme.

奶奶不在，對我來說，並沒有太大的打擊。

我唯一擔心的是我的爸爸，爸爸真的很孝順奶奶，總給她最好的。
the only thing that i care is my father. he loves grandmather so much.
Das einzige, was ich darauf ist mein Vater.er liebt Grossmutter sehr.

我知道奶奶的不在，對爸爸造成了很大的打擊。
i know that it hurt my father so much.
ich weiss, dass es meinem Vater do weh.

我現在很擔心他的健康狀況，我不希望他太傷心，希望他可以很快地恢復過來。
i worry about his health. i hope he will be better soon.
ich mache mir Sorgen um seine Gesundheit.ich hoffe,dass er besser schell wird.

20/10/2011

突然之間又好想喊了，唔知點解。
好累了，好想好好甘休息啊，調節一些心情。
最近老是睡不好，晚睡早起。
精神勁緊張，真係好驚自己會神經衰弱或者其他。
傷不起了，靠著意志生存。
好羨慕果D日日都甘開心的人，乜都唔使理。
我霖，如果可以放聲大喊，不顧儀態甘喊，喊完之後應該會好好多的。
真係好想有自己的私人時間，甘樣我喊的話就唔會有人知。
多年來，已經學會點樣去調節自己，我系甘認為的。
但係，宜家先發現我系活得幾甘唔開心，幾甘壓抑。
情緒唔可以好好甘發洩出來，真係好影響健康的。
壓力壓力，點解我要比自己甘多壓力啊，點解我唔可以睇得開D。
問左自己好多點解點解，得到的結論系，系我自己羅來的，根本就無人比壓力我。
我霖到自己太重要了，慾望都太強了。
我想要自己有能力養好自己，更加想有能力養我的屋企人。
但係，當遇到小小問題，心情就勁低勁低，
原來自己系幾甘脆弱，連小小的打擊都受唔到。
感覺自己就係一個矛盾體，兩個天平都平衡唔到，成日搞到左搖右擺。
再系甘落去，結果只有一個，就係成為失敗者，一個切切底底的失敗者。
甘樣的結果，我真係唔可以接受，亦都接受唔到。
唯一可以做的就係，繼續堅持自己的路。
呢條路系我自己選擇的，就應該自己好好甘去建造。
路系直的定系彎的，掘頭路定係出路，都掌握響我自己手上。
對，其實我好明白自己要D乜，只係有時真係好想發洩心裡的悶氣，但係就無地方比我發洩。
我應該要為自己爭取多D，而唔系剩系顧人地。
我連自己都顧唔掂，又點樣去顧其他人呢？
人生唔系好長，應該好好去追求自己想要的。

is not fair for me

today,i felt unhappy. i thought my mom could not understand me. she told me that i should not be quarrel with my brother. my little brother who only two year younger than me. why? why i have to? so sometimes i felt blood-relationship is a bad thing. and sometimes i really hate him, a 22year boy,who should be able to take care of himself. i think i am right. as a sister, i have responsibility to educate him,right? but the problem is, he dose not trust me. he thinks he is right. so, we always argue with each other, for example, we live outside,but the whole rubbish, that i must clean by myself.i only want him to help me. but my mom does not understand. she thought it was a little thing, i should not argue with him.he just a little boy. a little boy? i think it is not fair for me.and i took the clothes to wash with the machine,of course, i need to pay. but she thought i was luxury. hey,in my room, there is no balcony. i need the washmachine to dry my clothes. moreover,i just use the machine one time a week,at most two times. i think she hurt me. i really feel unhappy at this moment.

new life

i only want a new life here. because no one know who i am. no one care what i do. and i can do what i like.maybe i am not a girl for my parents, but i know that you will understand me. because i always love you. and you give me the beautiful life. and i really want a peace life.and i think here is a good place. i want you two can live with me. but i know that both of you have your life. ok,the thing that can not be change is our love.